Coaching and Civility: Insights for Personal Change, Social Success, and Relational Harmony

From May Sarton’s poem, Gestalt at Sixty….

Lovers and friends, I come to you starved for all that you have to give,           Nourished by the food of  solitude,                                                                             I am a good instrument for all that you have to tell me,                                               For all that I have to tell you.                                                                                 And we shall talk of first things and last things,                                                          and listen to the music together….                                                                               No one comes to this house who is not changed.                                                         I meet no one here who does not change me.

 

I have been wondering… Is it my imagination or has our world become more coarse? More crude? Maybe my feelings stem only from my personal disappointments with the interpersonal attitudes or outlooks of our media, and I willingly accept that it might be that I have a higher than average expectations for caring and my desire to see a greater consideration of other people’s thoughts and feelings, so maybe my behavioral bar has been set too high. I find myself asking are chivalry, being courteous, and acting with civility… dead?

As I look around for possible causes and probable culprits, it could be the rapid fire pace of our culture that doesn’t take sufficient time to listen carefully or pay attention respectfully to others. I ask: Since when has the far limits of personal freedom trumped caring, empathy, or putting aside self interest and learning the valuable lessons of working together?

Another possible source is our electronic preoccupation- It is as if our emotional intelligence is supposed to be as quick and as sharp as e-mail and Google searches where the barest of information gives us access to quick answers, sound bites, and super fast conclusions. Because we are so plugged in and wired, has that manufactured an artificial electronic sense of urgency that has effectively robbed us from taking the time that is necessary to communicate wisely, or to listen compassionately? As Gandhi once put when he was asked to comment on the modern pace of life: “There is more to life than increasing its speed!”

Living at a fast, break neck speed robs us of our need for more careful introspection, it will negate or compromise the quality of our personal interactions, and makes superficiality into an accepted norm because we cruelly admit to not having enough time for one another! In my estimation, e-mail could never completely express human feelings, or convey all there is to know, see, perceive, and understand about another person… Whenever possible, we should seek to speak gently, choose words carefully, and be sure to lessen those avoidable, yet often hurtful misunderstandings.

More insidious, I feel is the current preoccupation with Twitter, or instant opinion sharing… We have erroneously raised the value of personal opinion up to being a stated fact… Just because one holds an opinion does not make them bright, accurate, or reliable! As it was once said, “everyone is entitled to an opinion, but not to their own set of facts!” Besides, wouldn’t the people who use Twitter be called Twits? Right? Or is that my old Monty Python idioms that I remember???

Of course, there are other cultural reasons, that I will soon explore with you, but I wonder, am I wrong about this new atmosphere of social insolence that seems to plague our culture, and skew us towards being incredibly uncivil: towards being more rude, crude and lewd?

In support of my queries and questions, a delightful book has surfaced that helps us to comprehend these social changes…. Not another rule book on etiquette, or a diatribe on the lack of manners, but a humorous overview of our social situation. The English author, Lynne Truss, entitled her book, Talk to The Hand– since my head is not listening! Subtitled as the utter bloody rudeness of the world today, or six good reasons to stay home and bolt the door! For example, she writes, “The interesting thing is that, when we are cut free from any sense of community, we are miserable and lonely, as well as rude. This is the age of social autism, in which people just do not see or even imagine their impact on others.”

When I read the more popular critics of modern culture, they will wail and bemoan the lack of honesty, integrity, and trustworthiness in our society today. Without citing a laundry list of where these various ethical violations can be found- for that would be too easy, starting with “gangsta” rap, demeaning advertising, gratuitous sex and worse, the level of violence we allow in the media, down to the daily acceptance of cursing as descriptive of everything- you see, it will be a LONG list! …

When was it, in our lives, that we first began to treat others with suspicion? When did it become scary or even unsafe to assume that you can trust people? Or assume that others sincerely care about you?

The agreed upon solution to these social conundrums is to return an agreed upon modicum of civility and to reinforce a level of decency and consideration in all of our social and personal interactions.

The answer, as I see it, is to bring back Civility! Civility? I know that might sound like such a dated and old fashioned term… You know, like manners, and politeness, prudence, courtesy, and even a little kindness… . While I do earnestly hope that politeness and kindness never go out of style, I will declare that civility is more multifaceted, more public, dynamic, more far reaching…

Civility retains its wide, and enduring value because it centers on the importance of self restraint, and acts as a way to uphold mutual respect and promote social dialogue and while maintaining healthy, ethical norms. In fact, it is said, that to the degree that civility is maintained, it becomes less necessary for us to have laws that police us, or rules that regulate our social behaviors. The development of such social empathy and the effects of a learned desire to reciprocate is not without significance for us personally, professionally, or for the future promise of our civilization. Compare this to Gandhi’s compassionate teaching and Nelson Mandela’s observation: Gandhi stated: The greatness of a nation can be seen by how it treats its animals… And Mandela comments: “There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.”

 In my coaching training, there has been an valuable emphasis on empathetic communications, and towards taking the supportive approach that everyone deserves to be listened to, and each person is to be respectfully understood.

Without such a caring outlook and an ongoing mindful consideration, all the levels of our interpersonal communication will suffer, and decline. The capacity for learning, changing and making the necessary steps any person or business desires to make will be seriously diminished. It is a clear, that censure never leads to growth or change, as Jung puts it, “Condemnation cannot heal and does not aid growth” and it brings into question why anyone- from a parent to a coach, from a therapist to religious leaders would ever use guilt as motivation or to teach wholeness, dignity and self worth!

In word origins, the word civility comes to us from the same Latin root word for civilization, civitis… Could it be that when people stop being civil to one another, that our civilization begins to truly break down? Is there a connection between keeping a “civil tongue” and holding on to a feeling of mutual regard, caring, or maintaining an emotional safety that makes our society function more cooperatively and harmoniously?

In connection with contemporary psychology, psychoanalyst Heinz Kohurt advocates for greater civility in our culture and in our congregations as the best antidote for what is popularly called narcissism- an excessive dwelling on or a preoccupation with the importance of oneself.

Kohurt connects civility with the capacity for empathy. He states that when people feel as if their have been truly acknowledged, understood, and respectfully heard, then they are better able to handle or manage any tendency towards self centered blindness, and we can learn to interact in more unselfish and balanced ways.

I see a direct parallel between civility and thoughtfulness; between civility and holding a positive regard for others and the gifts and skills necessary to become an outstanding and effective coach for a wide variety of clients. Civility asks us to listen to others in a way that seeks concord, that first looks for ways of appreciation and agreement, rather than looking strategically or even defensively for a challenging repartee or to engage in a sharp debate…. Coaching with civility becomes a building block for nobility, for unselfishness, and it moves us towards higher idealism and a wider sense of altruism…

If we sincerely seek to change ourselves or be able to coach others in ways that can transform various conditions and situations in our world, one place we can all begin is in supporting an attitude of civility…

Remember, being civil, being respectful or empathetic is not simply being polite. While being sure not to come across as harsh, demanding or condescending in any way, coaching for civility becomes a vital means to establishing a social harmonic within our dialogues where we learn the value of others, and how best to connect and encourage others in ways that will truly change, heal, and inspire our world.