Holy Detachment

The highest degree of the highest virtue is detachment.

 Miester Eckhart   

Wayne Teasdale provides us with a more comprehensive understanding of detachment in these words:   

“[following from Roger Walsh’s wise observations in his book, Essential Spirituality, that mystic seers everywhere and at all times have emphasized that we only enjoy lasting happiness when we are free from our desires.] Meister Eckhart’s teaching demonstrates that mysticism truly crosses traditions and philosophies. What might seem distinctly Buddhist at first hearing are actually the words of Eckhart, a thirteenth century Christian.

Detachment is a very practical psychological skill; it cuts away at the emotional baggage that slows us down, the turmoil of the emotional center associates with our desires and attachments, what Buddhists call” afflictive” emotions.

Detachment does not mean indifference towards others. It means that we can only truly love others in a non-possessive way. Possessiveness of those who we love is one of the worst forms of attachment. Detachment does not mean we love less, but that we love with real maturity, depth, and ultimacy– desiring true happiness for those we love, placing their well-being before our own preferences.”

Throughout my life, I have wrestled with this valuable virtue of detachment as I was brought to believe that to be so attached, so intense, was a sure sign of deep affection. Only through my expensive wisdom, and my painful experiences of needing to let go could I regain my soul’s freedom so that I could learn not to confuse loyalty with love, or passion with true non-possessive love.

I can vividly remember how startled I was when reading in St. Francis de Sales about the highest virtue being a “disinterested” love! It took me quite a while to understand this deeply… to be able to take this into the core of my affections and not just keep it as an abstract concept… 

Once I more fully realized its truth, it saved me from any further pangs of jealousy, rivalry, or unrealistic attachments to people, places, or things…

“Saint Francis de Sales (1567-1622) taught and wrote about a new kind of love, “Disinterested Love”.  Disinterested love meant a loving attraction to a person or thing only because of the love of God.  By love, Francis meant a movement of the heart towards what it found to be good. An outpouring and progress of the heart towards the good, which aims at union with God. 

Love, therefore, is the beginning and end of the process of the total growth of the human person in his or her spiritual journey.”

From the webpage of the Missionary of St. Francis de Sales USA

Detachment has become a sustaining virtue for me, much more in line with Eckhart and de Sales, as I believe it is vitally important to be able to discern motives for relationships to avoid unnecessary and often painful attachments. It has become, for me, a crucial skill; to be able to separate the objective realm of our human emotions from the possible feelings-based interactions that our subjective selves would prefer to accept, entertain, and act on for our own purposes and pleasures.

I have also personally and professionally witnessed when people in families or other caring relationships refuse to let go. It could be a case of death and dying, or divorce, addiction, or in ways that ultimately prevent lessons that our souls need to learn. Lessons such as believing that “if I only persist, it will come out right or be loving again” or “My love will change them!”. 

I believe that a Holy sense of detachment is necessary because, in truth, we can only hold on to what is genuinely our own… What or Who we love freely or without restrictive conditions.