Ministry Reflections

A Reflection on a Second Ordination 1991- 2021

As I look back on it, it was a noble desire, spurred on by a profound mystical experience; to include and expand my current ministry and provide solace, healing, and integration from the best of ancient Western religious traditions into my contemporary ministry. In some significant ways, it was the most transformative step I would take!

However, as they say about many of the mystical and prophetic stances that one can make in our world, the result of that choice and the full and lasting consequences of that decision created a level of chaos and creativity; a level that I could not have fully anticipated that my level of enthusiasm and stubborn idealism was not ready to personally accept.

In the short space or length this book format allows me, I cannot offer more in depth details on what I would say was my “Damascus” experience or what “the pearl of great price” this choice gave me, or how its powerful impact has permanently changed both my career and my life.

The synopsis is this:

After ten years as a liberal Protestant minister, I found my spiritual life lacking depth. I felt I was becoming a religious journalist, someone who talked about religion, commented on spirituality, and not the genuine or authentic modern mystic or spiritual pioneer who could give back to others who were also spiritual pilgrims and seekers. In my search for ways of deepening and expanding my approach to ministry, in 1987, I discovered the Shalem Institute and its approach to spiritual formation. I thought that by learning from them-which I gratefully did and continue to do- that I could take on the professional title of spiritual guide, or as Kenneth Leech so poignantly put it, to become a “soul friend.”

Again, for brevity’s sake I cannot begin to describe what I learned, and how it remains a strong influence for me through the books of Dr. Gerry May and Rev. Tilden Edwards, and all those readings and class notes! It will have to be sufficient to say that I believe every minister would benefit from going through the program in order to develop their own spiritual life, and then to model it more effectively for any congregation they serve.

What the crucial or transformative event/experience that directed me toward a second ordination came to me as a profound shift in awareness and interior understanding; one that resulted from deep resonance or mystical contact with the energies of a sacred Christian icon- and how it “spoke to me” in a transformative way!

It was a way that was both confirming of all the previous 15 years of Eastern meditative and psyche clearing work that I had done, and in an affirmative and gracious way, declared that “Jesus was not through with me yet!”

This distinctly powerful vocational call disturbed me and encouraged me to find a way in which I could expand my sense of ministry and service to our larger world. Given my situation of being a middle class, married minister with a relatively successful ministry of 6 years up to this point, I was unsure how best to offer this new dimension to my identity and my ministry.

What I found… was a second ordination as an Independent or non-Roman Catholic Priest!

To my knowledge, I am, or I was the only liberal minister in my Association to also choose a Catholic mystical path! I had my unique and intriguing decision first approved by my Ministerial Committee, and with their approval, applied for this second ordination. However, sharing my decision with my congregation was a whole other response of incredulity, alienation, and anger!

As I explained to my credentialing committee, my goal was not to start rival churches, but to provide an authentic resource for those who were brought up Catholic, Episcopal, or Orthodox etc., who would choose to work with me to reclaim the treasures of Christian mysticism and Western practices.

My deeper goals was to assist them to heal/resolve any of the hurts of childhood experiences. Instead of adopting Eastern, occult, or psychological methods alone, (which many seekers have done) thereby leaving Christianity, as a whole behind, I could provide them with access to the teachings of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, through Eckhart and Hildegard to the modern mystics such as Thomas Merton.

How do I say this? It was a colossal failure! Not only did I overestimate becoming a welcomed resource, I severely underestimated people’s anger, disappointment, and the widespread spiritual inertia among religious liberals; where it is far easier to stay disillusioned than to take up a spiritual path-especially one that was laden with memories and hurts from Christianity/Catholicism.

Within two years, I felt coerced to resign… and the path of finding another ministry was daunting at best! Since the independent Catholics, as a movement, are far from organized, cooperative, or solvent, so there were no rebounding resources there that could cushion me or provide a viable alternative. (that is its own chapter or story!)

After the resignation, and not being able to keep my home, and eventually my marriage intact, I wound up being “driven to the desert”; literally-living in Phoenix- and metaphorically having to harshly confront and honestly face the many cultural and personal demons: how to make a living; how to express my desires to serve; teach or witness to the spiritual life etc.

It was a costly stripping away of everything: from a marriage and family, to creature comforts of any dimension, to living in a room with relatives, and many other humbling experiences!

While the desolation outweighed the consolations, I did have occasional opportunities to be an itinerant preacher at start up liberal churches, and I did have opportunities to celebrate and participate in Independent Catholic rituals. Oh yes, I also attended the Self -Realization Fellowship of Yogananda!

Maybe the best personal accomplishment during those next 4 years of exile from the middle class, and from full time parish ministry was to complete my dissertation on the Holy Feminine and its Biblical and linguistic origins. (The Wind, The Woman, and The Wonder was the title!)

While that effort never found a publisher, nor did my PhD degree give me access to a university teaching possibility, it was, for me, a major accomplishment; as I was the first in my generations of family to go to graduate school, and earn a doctoral degree…

Years before, I had found my Western theological niche within the broad Creation Spirituality movement that was encouraged by the volumes of teaching by Mathew Fox and the relative success of his West Coast education programs. I became enthusiastic about the whole foundational view called panentheism, as saw it as the necessary bridge between all the great mystical traditions!

Again, I thought that my additional education, ordination, and commitment would serve to promote those teachings within church life was also a mistaken idealistic goal!

I followed that desire of trying to bring a more wholehearted sacramental approach to ecology, ecumenism, and to the goal of “resacralizing” our relationship to the earth and one another. However, from my perspective, it never took a very deep foothold in liberal religion, nor tragically have I seen it find a more widespread inspirational and effective home in other denominations.

Looking back, now as a retired minister who works part-time as a life coach and spiritual director, I find that, on occasion I will be asked to give a sermon, a blessing, a wedding, or two…

Mostly, I find myself in need of practicing an ongoing sense of self-compassion, as. I had followed what I believed to be a genuine interior vocational call, but I did not possess the social tools, the opportunities, the financial resources, or the willing audience for much of it to succeed!

I realized quite a while ago, that there were a few personally perceived needs for authority, for attention, importance-all seductions of the Spirit- that held empty, unfillable promises.

Earnestly, I wanted to avoid any of those pitfalls, and to live out a life expressed as a desire to be of greater service, which I have mostly done in a more simple, imperfect, and bittersweet way.

Now, in retrospect and with earned humility, I have found that simplicity has become my mantra, and along with the Dalai Lama my understanding of religion has become the active practice of kindness. Even if you desire to help others, one has to get most, if not all, of our personal issues out of the way, so I/we can be clear, compassionate, loving, and just.

Ministry, in its essence, is to become that mirror and the model of love and transcendence, of justice and healing. A mirror and a model that first requires each of us to be at peace with our own lives, and then to open yourself to serving others unselfishly.

I find some ongoing solace in that I valiantly tried to hold on to what I thought was good, right, and true. So now, as a retired “reluctant prophet and freelance mystic,” I gratefully assign the rest of my days to doing whatever good I can, in whatever ways, no matter how humble, that the Spirit calls to me to do…