Over the years, when couples have come to me in search of a progressive clergyman who would marry them, I will often schedule a time together when I will go through this sample inventory. Previous to ministry, and during the early years, I also taught sociology and marriage and family classes at a local Massachusetts college. Those experiences, along with my psychotherapeutic studies, helped to shape this inventory.
Its neither complex nor exhaustive, but I have designed it in a way that gives openings for further dialogues, and offers ways of improvement if any smaller scale issues are present. Given that communication skills are often rated as one of three most problematic issues that promote divorce ( money problems and sexual difficulties being the other two…) it is important for any prospective couple to surface any tensions, and clarify any expectations before they become legally and ethically bound to one another…
While it is true that fewer and fewer couples arrive at a clergyman’s door without having lived together for a period of time, there is a ready acknowledgment that marriage is different… more permanent, substantial, challenging and worthwhile… So taking stock of a relationship will always have some merit, and might even have a lasting value for the couple…
A Premarital Inventory The Rev. Peter E. Lanzillotta, Ph.D.
(this compiled questionnaire has been designed to measure the degree of self knowledge and relational readiness of any prospective couple. Generally, this is conducted on the first meeting and could last approximately two hours, or it can easily be broken into more sessions.
Additional time would be allocated for specific problem solving or for the discussion and design of the wedding service/ceremony. It is also encouraged that if any significant issues arise from these sessions, that the need for additional counseling or a therapeutic referral may be indicated or recommended.)
I. Relational History
A: How many months and years have you known each other?
B: If you were to describe your partner’s personality, what would you say?
What attracted you first?
C: What traits or qualities do you admire most? Which areas need the most improvement? Which ones do you value the most or mean the most to you?
D: Can you identify a turning point? i.e., when friends became lovers or when you knew this was serious? Were there any special events, circumstances, or people who helped to shape or arrive at this conclusion? Was it “all of a sudden” or a gradual, evolving process?
E: How did you decide on marriage?
1 1) Who proposed? and How did they do it? 2) How did you accept?
3) Why get married? 4) What are some of the reasons for getting married versus “living together”? 5) How do you define commitment?
F: What are the chief or prime responsibilities of a husband or wife. Please give me at least three, with the partner listing them for their mate ….
II. Communication Skills
A: Do you find it easy to discuss your issues and concerns with one another? How and when? Special times? Are you quick to speak or do you need time to decide what to say? Have noticed an improvement in your ability to communicate and understand over the time you have been together?
B: Are there any difficult areas you cannot talk about? (Problem identification & acceptance) Are there any feelings that you find hard to express or show?
C: When you disagree, how is it handled? Can arguments be turned into opportunities? Can you defer, postpone without canceling? Can you speak or express disagreement w/out causing injury or insult?
D: Are there any areas you feel cannot be helped or handled between you? Have you ever sought out another person’s assistance or advice with a troublesome subject? How and Whom do you choose? (Not Family!) Would you be willing to see a professional helper if it seemed necessary?
E: Do you give each other time, sufficient time just to relax or to be themselves without demands for interaction? What about your separate needs for privacy? Can you see the difference between being lonely and being alone, yet together?
F: How would you define intimacy? Does intimacy exclude anger, dealing with soft spots and sore points in one another? Is there anything you cannot share? Acceptance of personal issues, and different backgrounds that have to be faced or reconciled, redeemed or overcome. 90/10 rule of honesty)
“Being Love worthy” Intimacy as Trust and Vulnerability; acceptance and compassion; trying for or moving toward unity of Body/Mind/Spirit.
G: Who said “I love you” first? Where and when? How did it make you feel? How did you respond? Now… Who said it last, that is, most recently? Remember… its not about frequency but sincerity…
III. Family Background and Influences
A: How have your parents reacted to your decision to get married? What did they say when you told them? How happy or concerned were they?
B: What is their outlook or attitude toward your new spouse? Do they have any strong objections? Do you feel that there will be any in-law problems?
C: In what ways are you most like your parents? How are you the most different? Are you closer to one parent more than the other? How? Are there any special factors, experiences or reasons for this?
D: If there was any one thing you could have changed or one thing you would like to keep about your parent’s relationship, what would it be? Do you feel that they have had a happy or successful marriage? How or how not?
E: If there was a crisis at home or a major problem, how was it handled? Who made the decisions or how were decisions arrived at and were they explained to you? Were there any problems or family secrets, tragedies or illnesses that they tried to hide from you?
F: What about your brothers and sisters? How have they reacted? Do their attitudes influence you in any way? Do you expect to remain close to them?
IV. Identity, Sexuality and Affection
A: How does what you think or feel about yourself affect your relationships?
B: How do the influences of the media, music, and advertising affect how you
look and how you feel, or what you expect your yourself to do or be like?
How do the social pressures of being a male or female affect you or how you interpret rules and roles or being a man or a woman? ( Self image and esteem or acceptance)
C: Concerning sexual activity, have you ever been concerned with fears, resistance’s or obstacles to your participation in sexual relations?
D: Have there been past events or experiences that have dramatically influenced your participation in sex or in this new relationship? Are there any ghosts from partners in the past? How have you exorcised them?
E: Is sex a drive, a need, an option, or a choice? (Myth of normalcy)
F: Is there a difference between having sex and making love?
G: How do you express affection and warmth toward one another? Is it the same as sex? What is more important?
H: What is your attitude or view on fidelity in marriage?
What if??? Do you feel it could be worked through?
V. Children and Parenting
A: If you found out you were pregnant today, would becoming a parent
( again) be a happy occasion, and willing and free choice?
B: If not, who then is responsible for birth control? Have you discussed the pros and cons of each option? What about recent medical advice?
C: Would you ever consider having an abortion? What circumstances or conditions could you consider or allow?
D: If either of you finds that you are infertile, would you consider adoption?
E: Ideally, how many children would you have?
F: Have you discussed how you will parent? What rules and ways you would require, such as discipline; TV.; diet; clothes etc. Would you place your child in daycare, etc.? What kind of schooling do you prefer for them? Why?
G: Could you ever consider parenting as a vocation? As equal in importance to your profession or career?
H:: Are there any issues or concerns around being a stepparent? Do you feel that you can adjust to this new role? Is the idea of “yours, mine, and ours” a difficult problem? Do you feel that you can create a new family and a new home without too many obstacles?
VI. House, Home, and Lifestyle
A: Presently, do you rent, lease or own a place to live? B: What type of house or living space do you prefer? C: What does the idea of “home” mean to you?
D: Are either of you ” stay at home” types ? E: Do you feel that you would enjoy the responsibilities of home ownership or homemaking?
F: How do you delegate or decide on household chores and repairs? Are the jobs the same, separate but equal, or consistently defined?
G: Do you keep a family calendar of events and activities? How do you decide on time and social commitments? Are there any activities or time slots that come first, before all others?
H: Do you have differing approaches to life at home? Other than chores, how would you spend your time? What are your interests hobbies or other pursuits? Are they activities that you both share or are they distinct and different? ( his, hers, and ours)
I: Is either of you a “night” person? Are those rhythms and routines troublesome to you?
J: Do you or can you agree on the same standards for neatness and cleanliness? Are there any habits or health routines that interfere or are an obstacle in your living arrangements?
K: How important are your friends to your relationship? How much to do value them? How will they affect your home and how could they be influenced by your marriage?
VII. Money, Work and Career
A: How have your respective work situations or careers affected your decision to get married? How? Is this temporary or a permanent consideration?
B: Have you decided whose job has priority or whose career comes first? Is there a discrepancy in incomes? If so, does it matter?
C: How do you arrive at your financial decisions? How have you delegated or determined how money and financial concerns will be dealt with? How will you sign checkbooks, contracts, agreements? Have you considered writing a will?
D: Do you have a budget? Have you decided on some longer range goals and how you will provide for them? Could you live on one income?
E: How important is money to you? Does it define your security? If you had to choose longer hours or shorter pay, which option would you pick? Have you considered how your choice of career could be made more flexible and adaptable to your needs? Have you considered changing jobs or careers?
VIII. Values, Ideals, and Religion
A: If you could list your three most important goals for your life, what would they be? (after taking turns, comment on if they are complementary or how they are different etc.) State that it takes cooperation to achieve mutuality.
B: Philosophy of life exercise: Deathbed scene… what piece of advice about life would you give them? Epitaph: … After here lies, What would it say about you? Obituary versus a eulogy. ) Writing both as a life assessment tool…)
C: What are your hopes and fears for the future? What ideals or visions motivate you or what ideals and dreams can console you?
D: What were your religious backgrounds? If different, how are those differences meaningful or relevant to you today? What is your current religious or spiritual outlook? How has your faith or your beliefs changed? Do you feel that there is a difference between religion and spirituality? How ? What is God, for you? What purpose would going to a church or belonging to a spiritual community have for you?
E: Would you expect your children to attend some kind of Sunday School? Who do you feel will be their best teachers? How does modeling vs. preaching appeal to you? How would you define family as a spiritual ideal?
IX. The Wedding Service
A: What is a wedding service? What does it symbolize?
B: How would you structure or design your wedding service? What about its length? its complexity? From the weddings you have gone to, what features would you definitely add and which ones would you definitely delete? Why?
C: What kinds of music have you considered? What about readings?
1 Will you include any prayers? What types do you enjoy, or what do you feel will express the ideas and feeling you wish to share? Friends and relatives offering a reading or some music or reflections on relationships etc.
D: What is the highlight of as wedding service? Will you consider writing your own vows? ( Samples of services given out here… with an explanation of the structure you prefer to use…)
E: Will you use or wear rings? Candles? Wine? Sand?
F: Will you include others in the wedding service? How many bridesmaids attendants and/or ushers?
What about Parents and/or recognition? children? w/ flowers or rings?
G: How many people? How formal will it be? Garb? ( matching formality)
H: Legalities: Blood Test; option for a wide spectrum screening of all STDs, or communicable diseases, and any hereditary or genetic problems you might be carrying… (children) City/Town Hall-License; allow for a 3 day waiting or processing period
I: Fees for services.. my sliding scale; necessity of a rehearsal, and that I will need your working copy 10 days before the service… FINIS Any Q’s ???
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