The Hidden Cause of Much Male Gender Violence

That so many men are unable to admit to – even to themselves!

Reprinted from The Good Male Project & Newsletter

September 24, 2026 by Steve Garrett Leave a Comment

Even though it’s only carried out by a minority of men, violence against women everywhere in the world is at epidemic levels, and getting worse each year. No ‘good man’ can accept this reality, but to know how to change this behaviour we need to look deeper at the psychology behind it.

The fear of fear!

At the root of male aggression, we often find fear. Men are rarely taught to face their fears. Instead, society teaches us to hide them, and hidden fears can turn into violence.   From childhood, boys learn strict rules about being a man, and society creates a narrow definition of masculinity, often called  the “man box”. Inside this box, a man must always be strong; be in control at all times; financially provide and never show pain. Universal human traits like crying or asking for help are shamed, so that a man can feel disconnected from himself.

The trouble with this training is that it leaves men with very few emotional tools, and makes it difficult to connect with other people – one of the most basic needs we have as humans. Almost all of us sometimes feel fear just like anyone else, but we’re told that fear makes us weak. When a man can’t show fear, he suppresses it, and over time, that trapped fear can turn into anger. Aggression becomes an easy mask with which he can hide the feared vulnerability underneath.

The importance of connection

Intimate relationships require emotional openness. I must share my true self with my partner if I want to be deeply connected with her, but this means risking rejection or judgment. For some men, this feels too dangerous, and they view vulnerability as safety risk. So when a partner asks for deep emotional connection or points out a personal flaw, they feel exposed and unprotected, and may act aggressively, sabotaging any hope of real love.

Such a man lacks the words to express anxiety. Instead, his psychological defence mechanisms kick in, and anger becomes a protective shield used to force the partner away and to stop them seeing his imagined flaws. This aggression is not a sign of power; it’s actually a cover-up for his true feelings.

How needing power will sabotage that

Power dynamics are central to domestic abuse. Historically, men held all the power in society; they ran households and made all decisions. Today, the world is moving toward true gender equality, a shift which is positive and necessary, but some insecure men view equality as a loss. If a man links his worth to being dominant, equality feels threatening, and a partner’s independence, including her financial, social, or personal independence, triggers anxiety for him.

To fight this fear, a man may try to gain control in the relationship. He might monitor his partner’s phone or isolate her from friends, and if those tactics fail, use physical violence as a tool to restore the old hierarchy.

The old roles don’t work

Societal pressure on men is intense, and it’s easy to feel that we’re judged by what we provide and how we perform. Economic downturns and job losses happen all the time, but when a man faces these setbacks he can feel like a failure. This creates a deep sense of internal shame, which is a very painful emotion for a man that make him feel completely worthless. Many men don’t know how to process shame safely, and to escape the pain they project it outward. A female partner may become the target of this displaced anger; by physically overpowering someone else, the man gets a temporary rush which makes him feel powerful again and drowns out his internal voice telling him he’s inadequate.

Fear of being alone

All humans are wired for connection. The fear of being left alone is universal, but men often experience this fear in isolation because society discourages us from forming deep friendships with other men. As a result, many men rely entirely on a partner, and get all their emotional support from her. This creates a dangerous emotional imbalance. The partner carries the weight of the man’s entire mental health, and if she tries to leave, the man panics. He’s not just losing a relationship; he’s losing his emotional lifeline. This feeling of anxiety can lead to dangerous obsessions like using stalking or threats to force her to stay, and in severe cases it leads to violence during separations. The underlying fear is isolation; the violent response is a desperate attempt to stop the abandonment he feels is happening.

Fear of not being respected by other men

Many men care deeply about what other men think about them. In many male spaces, status is based on toughness, sometimes maintained by demeaning women. A man might want to speak out against casual sexism or to show gentleness, but if he worries about being mocked or excluded or losing his status in the group, this pushes him to conform. He stays silent during locker-room talk or even participates in harassment, all in trying to prove he’s ‘one of the guys’. The fear of social isolation drives him to act against his own conscience, which can include acting aggressively towards women, and the shame he feels if he does that can easily lead to escalation.

What can we do to change this fear?

To stop male violence, we must all do what we can to change the definition of male strength and help boys and men to face their fears safely.

Here are some ways we could all do that:

• Teach emotional literacy: boys and men must learn to name their feelings; for example to know the difference between fear and anger we need to recognise and describe them
• Normalize vulnerability: we must stop shaming the men who show weakness, and help them see that asking for help is actually an act of courage.
• Promote equal partnerships: relationships must be based on teamwork; a partner’s independence should be celebrated, not feared.
• Expand support systems: men need close friendships with other men. Joining a men’s group is a great way to do this

Understanding male fear does not excuse violence; abuse is always a choice, and the perpetrator is always responsible. But identifying the fear behind it helps us to see that aggression is often a mask for fear and shame. By confronting these, and promoting alternative ways to show strength we can help men to break the cycle and step out of harmful stereotypes. This change will create more safety for women, and will also allow men to live more connected and fulfilled lives; a true win-win!